Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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