I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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