We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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