Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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