someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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