I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
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Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
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Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.