Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
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I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...