the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
