Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Guy Shares All The â€˜New Discoveriesâ€™ Heâ€™s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And Itâ€™s Hilariously Relatable
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls Heâ€™s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!