I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I forgot wine drunk hurts