Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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