He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
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Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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