i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
