Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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