Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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