1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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