Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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