I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
