Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
