i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
