So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
