I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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