On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
