My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
