I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
