i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
