my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
