i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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