I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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