I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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