Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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