I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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