The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He? As in you personified your dick?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
