You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
