sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
