No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
