I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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