At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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