I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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