I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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