I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
