I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
