i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
