my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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