I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
