He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
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