Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
