My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
