Acid is not a monday night drug
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
