she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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I need to calm my uterus...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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