i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
