this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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