I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I believe in your delicious
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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