Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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