we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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