Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
