Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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