Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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