Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
