so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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