"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
