Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
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OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.