She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.